“Mr Smarts,” I implored. “If you don’t stop rocking these seats back and forth you will surely tip us over.”
“Rubbish,” Mr Smarts scoffed and with a wicked laugh rocked the rickety old seats more violently. Then, with an almighty racket and just as I had I predicted, we crashed backwards to the floor.
Those sitting next to us watched in amazement as Mr Smarts jumped up pulling me with him, pretending like nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. Mortified, I successfully ignored Pippa’s glares from the competition floor and waited until Mr Smarts righted the seats before sitting back down.
“Do we have anything to eat? Did you pack us a snack Kooky,” Mr Smarts asked minutes later.
“Mr Smarts we left the house at 5.30 am and snacks were the last thing on my mind.”
“But Kooky I’m starving! I need something to eat!”
“Here have a mint.” He looked at me pitifully. “Alright have two.”
“Kooky,” Mr Smarts explained. “I am a grown man and need sustenance. Please, can you find me something to eat?”
“You must be joking?” I asked before realizing it was a chance to escape for a few minutes. I hurried off without a backwards glance but found myself explaining what the loud crashing noise had been to the canteen ladies. I of course, did not own up that it was us until the next customer, very indiscreetly pointed at me and mouthed “It was her and her husband,” as though I was blind and couldn’t see her. I grimaced at her before fleeing back inside pretending I couldn’t hear them laughing.
“Where’s the soup?” Mr Smarts asked upon my return.
“The soup, places like this always have soup. Besides its Father’s Day, surely they know men want to eat soup.” The woman in front of us turned and laughed thinking he was joking, then looked at me in sympathy when she realized he was serious.
Grudgingly Mr Smarts took the dim sims and the apple which I had lovingly purchased for him and munched away. Not long after I watched in horror as he tried to put his apple core in my handbag.
“What are you doing,” I hissed.
“Well everything else is in there,” he replied seemingly surprised by my question. “You won’t even notice it.” Seeing the thunderous look on my face he quickly retrieved the apple core and went off in search of a bin. Mission accomplished Mr Smarts sat back down, stretched his legs and we quietly watched the rest of the competition. After awhile I noticed Pippa gesturing to me madly, the rest of her team were giggling loudly. One made a loud snoring noise which made them giggle even more. Puzzled I turned to find Mr Smarts with his mouth wide open, fast asleep. I quickly grabbed my bag and sat somewhere far away.