An Ugly Affair By The Pool

Mr Smarts and I ran away for a “Romantic” weekend where we both agreed we could not wait to sit by the pool, read our books and sip a cocktail or two.  However, after only a few hours spent lounging by the pool side Mr Smarts quickly came to the realisation that he is not the type of person who can just sit back and do nothing because he was bored out of his mind.

“Come on Kooky, come and swim with me,” he pleaded.

“Mr Smarts, as much I love you I have been in the pool with you twice already this morning. I don’t mean to be rude but I really didn’t enjoy your swimming under me and throwing me up in the air and I’m sure it’s going to take quite a long time for that poor couple over there to erase from their memory the image of me almost starkers when my bathers slipped down!”

“But please Kooky, just one more swim. I promise to keep my hands to myself, no dunking, no pretending to be a shark, no squirting water in your face,  come on please,” he wheedled.

“Mr Smarts, you almost drowned me! I am enjoying my book, please leave me alone!” I sighed but it was no use.  “Isn’t there someone else you can play with?  Look, ask that man over there who saw more of me than he bargained for, he looks as bored as you are.”

“Yoo-hoo,” I called. “Would you like to swim with Mr Smarts?” The man’s wife gratefully shoved him forward and gave me a secret little thank you wave before returning to her cocktail.

The two men sized each other up.  Then with a, “Beat you to the other side,” they dived in and raced across the pool.  I happily returned to my book and my delicious Ruby Rose cocktail which sent me off on a lovely little nap until I was rudely woken by drops of water splashing across my face.

“Kooky,” Mr Smarts panted.  “I have to leave?”

I sat up and looked at him curiously. “Mr Smarts what’s the matter, your breathing is quite erratic!”

“I’ll admit I’m not feeling the best,” Mr Smarts said clutching at his chest dramatically.

“Oh dear Mr Smarts lie down. Do you think it’s your heart?” I asked fighting the urge to scream hysterically.

“No, not my heart but I think I’ve punctured my lung,” came the strangled reply.

“Punctured your lung in the pool! How could that have possibly happened?”

“The Man challenged me to see how far I could swim underwater without breathing.  I think my lungs exploded.”  Mr Smarts looked at me woefully but then suddenly sat up as though nothing had happened as The Man and The Wife walked towards us.

“You’re the Boss! I’ve never seen anyone swim that far without taking a breath!” The Man said high fiving Mr Smarts. “Meet you back here later?” Mr Smarts nodded and grunted a manly grunt before passing out on top of me.  I screamed at the top of my lungs convinced Mr Smarts had died as The Man pulled him off me.

“He’s okay,” The Wife said calmly. “Look, he has only fainted,” but I refused to believe her and continued screaming not noticing the rather large crowd surrounding us.

“Move aside, clear the area,” an elderly gentleman spoke with authority. “Your husband, Madam, has only fainted, so there is absolutely no need for your hysterics.  I watched those two fools in the pool and I can assure you that the only thing your husband has done is strained a muscle and has not punctured a lung as I heard him claim.  The reason for his collapse was hyperventilation.”

“Sorry Kooky,” Mr Smarts smiled at me sheepishly.

I quickly gathered our things and we locked ourselves away in our room until, under the cover of darkness we made our escape, never to return again.
Copyright 2016

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9 thoughts on “An Ugly Affair By The Pool

  1. Reading your blog is like watching a cartoon. It reminds me of an English cartoon my kids used to watch with two chimps in it. I mean this as a compliment. I love your writing. It’s unique and funny. What is your soon to be published book about?

    Has Mr Smarts fully recovered? I would have screamed too and that is just the sort of thing my husband would do. We must ensure they never meet!

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      1. Mr Smarts has informed me that if I don’t stop writing about him he will serve me with papers but I am deaf to him 🙂 Bangers and Mash, just looked it up and I remember those funny apes. Thanks for your feedback, never quite know what will come out at the end of it all. As for my story, it’s a little weird – a kids journey in search of his sister who has died but no one can tell him where she’s gone. So there are booger eating trolls, a cranky merman, a one eyed witch etc etc plus a roller coaster of emotions. Fingers crossed people will enjoy it. Thanks again for reading my verbal diarrhea and I have no doubt a millionaire will come along any minute and buy your house and will be in awe and how perfectly clean it is.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I chipped my son the other day when I overheard him challenging another much younger boy to a race. I could see my son’s motive was to knock the younger boy down a peg or two because he was bragging about how good he was at everything. It was hardly a fair contest. They are aged ten and four! I told my son to pull his head in. Funny how your story reminded me of that lol! There’s nothing quite like a healthy dose of one-upmanship between full grown men. What’s a lack of oxygen between friends ‘ey? Too funny 😀

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