Mr Smarts and I ran away for a “Romantic” weekend where we both agreed we could not wait to sit by the pool, read our books and sip a cocktail or two. However, after only a few hours spent lounging by the pool side Mr Smarts quickly came to the realisation that he is not the type of person who can just sit back and do nothing because he was bored out of his mind.
“Come on Kooky, come and swim with me,” he pleaded.
“Mr Smarts, as much I love you I have been in the pool with you twice already this morning. I don’t mean to be rude but I really didn’t enjoy your swimming under me and throwing me up in the air and I’m sure it’s going to take quite a long time for that poor couple over there to erase from their memory the image of me almost starkers when my bathers slipped down!”
“But please Kooky, just one more swim. I promise to keep my hands to myself, no dunking, no pretending to be a shark, no squirting water in your face, come on please,” he wheedled.
“Mr Smarts, you almost drowned me! I am enjoying my book, please leave me alone!” I sighed but it was no use. “Isn’t there someone else you can play with? Look, ask that man over there who saw more of me than he bargained for, he looks as bored as you are.”
“Yoo-hoo,” I called. “Would you like to swim with Mr Smarts?” The man’s wife gratefully shoved him forward and gave me a secret little thank you wave before returning to her cocktail.
The two men sized each other up. Then with a, “Beat you to the other side,” they dived in and raced across the pool. I happily returned to my book and my delicious Ruby Rose cocktail which sent me off on a lovely little nap until I was rudely woken by drops of water splashing across my face.
“Kooky,” Mr Smarts panted. “I have to leave?”
I sat up and looked at him curiously. “Mr Smarts what’s the matter, your breathing is quite erratic!”
“I’ll admit I’m not feeling the best,” Mr Smarts said clutching at his chest dramatically.
“Oh dear Mr Smarts lie down. Do you think it’s your heart?” I asked fighting the urge to scream hysterically.
“No, not my heart but I think I’ve punctured my lung,” came the strangled reply.
“Punctured your lung in the pool! How could that have possibly happened?”
“The Man challenged me to see how far I could swim underwater without breathing. I think my lungs exploded.” Mr Smarts looked at me woefully but then suddenly sat up as though nothing had happened as The Man and The Wife walked towards us.
“You’re the Boss! I’ve never seen anyone swim that far without taking a breath!” The Man said high fiving Mr Smarts. “Meet you back here later?” Mr Smarts nodded and grunted a manly grunt before passing out on top of me. I screamed at the top of my lungs convinced Mr Smarts had died as The Man pulled him off me.
“He’s okay,” The Wife said calmly. “Look, he has only fainted,” but I refused to believe her and continued screaming not noticing the rather large crowd surrounding us.
“Move aside, clear the area,” an elderly gentleman spoke with authority. “Your husband, Madam, has only fainted, so there is absolutely no need for your hysterics. I watched those two fools in the pool and I can assure you that the only thing your husband has done is strained a muscle and has not punctured a lung as I heard him claim. The reason for his collapse was hyperventilation.”
“Sorry Kooky,” Mr Smarts smiled at me sheepishly.
I quickly gathered our things and we locked ourselves away in our room until, under the cover of darkness we made our escape, never to return again.