“Mr Smarts I have a dilemma,” I said cheerily.
“What’s your dilemma Kooky?” Mr Smarts asked happily. He’s always ready to help me in my hour of need.
“It appears I have locked myself out of the house,” I informed him.
“Find the spare key, it’s in the garden somewhere,” Mr Smarts suggested.
“No, the spare is in the house too,” I replied.
“Koooooooky not again!” Mr Smarts shouted rather loudly.
“Mr Smarts there is no need for such aggression,” I said calmly. “Please tell me what time you will be home so you can unlock the door with your key.”
“Kooky, the key which you have locked in the house is my key. Remember you lost yours?” Mr Smarts said crossly.
“Well now we really do have a dilemma,” I said not so cheerily.
“Yes we do! I’m leaving now anyway,” Mr Smarts sighed. “I will be there as soon as I can.” He sounded weary.
Half an hour later I watched Mr Smarts climb gingerly from his car. He looked like he was in pain.
“Is something wrong Mr Smarts?” I asked.
“Nothing I can’t handle,” Mr Smarts grimaced as he climbed cautiously over the fence and dropped with a thud to the ground.
“Goodness, is everything okay Mr Smarts?” Lots of new and interesting words were spewing with great force from his mouth.
“No I’m fine Kooky,” came his strangled reply. “Will have the door open in a jiffy, just have to get the ladder.” After a fair amount of banging around and mumbling to himself I watched Mr Smarts climb the ladder very slowly and hoist himself up onto the roof.
“Are you sure you’re okay Mr Smarts?” I asked. “You’re looking deathly pale!”
“Kooky, please don’t ask me again,” he said as he lifted tiles from the roof. “There is absolutely nothing to worry about.”
So I did as he asked and did not worry about him at all. Not even when I heard him groan in agony as he dropped down into the roof cavity and not even when I heard him scream in anguish as he dropped to the floor from the ceiling. I was tempted, however, when I saw him crawling to the front door with sweat pouring from his face but I kept my mouth firmly shut.
He reached up and unlocked the door with great effort.
“Thank you Mr Smarts,” I said climbing over him, he was lying on the floor. “Oops sorry,” I apologised as I stood on his finger with my lovely 9 inch stilettoes. He moaned but didn’t bother to move. Something was obviously wrong, he didn’t even notice my shoes were new.
“Kooky,” I heard him whisper.
“Yes Mr Smarts,” I bent down so I could hear him.
“Kooky, I need the frozen peas and I need them in a hurry,” he begged.
“Peas?” I asked puzzled. “Peas? Mr Smarts peas don’t taste very nice frozen.”
“Please get them Kooky,” he groaned. Fearing he had lost his marbles I quickly grabbed the bag of peas from the freezer and placed it carefully on his head.
“No not on my head,” he moaned. “Down there.”
“Down where,” Mr Smarts?” I queried.
“Down there,” he moaned again but this time he pointed to where he wanted it.
“What!” You can’t be serious,” I declared.
“Kooky,” he implored. So I did what he asked and plonked the bag down on his nether region.
“Kooooooookkkkkyyyyyyyyyyyy!” he screamed.
“Mr Smarts, if you don’t tell me what’s going on, it won’t be your finger I will be standing on, it will be that bag of peas,” I glowered down at him.
“It’s not a big deal. Well it wasn’t until you locked the keys in the house,” Mr Smarts grumbled glaring up at me.
“What have I got to do with the pain in your nether region?” I demanded to know. My foot was itching to jump on that bag of peas.
“I had my consultation with Dr Snip today but instead of a consultation I had my vasectomy done there and then,” he whimpered.
“What!” I was shocked. “You can’t be serious?” I said moving my foot away.
“It was fine, easy. I even went back to work but then I had to climb over the fence, climb up the ladder, climb onto the roof, drop down into the roof cavity and then drop to the floor,” Mr Smarts almost cried. “I think we need to phone Dr Snip because I think I might be going to die.”
Poor Mr Smarts, just like he didn’t die at the pool he didn’t die because of his vasectomy but he did make me at least twenty copies of the key to our house. They are hidden all over the garden, I just wish I could find one.