Not long after Mr Smarts and I met we had a sensational night of delicious food, good wine, great company whilst watching Shakespeare Under The Stars. At the end of the night Mr Smarts and I carefully packed everything up and made our way home in a taxi.
Whilst “snuggling” in Mr Smarts cosy bed I sat up in alarm. “Mr Smarts!” I yelled. “You’re not going to believe this but I’ve thrown my car key out with the rubbish at the park. We have to go back!”
“What?” Mr Smarts mumbled. “Kooky, you can’t be serious? It’s 2 o’clock in the morning!”
“I’m afraid so Mr Smarts,” I replied pulling on my clothes. “Come on, we need to go now!”
The taxi driver dropped us off at the enormous garden gates which were firmly locked and looked very imposing.
“Perhaps we should wait until morning Mr Smarts?” I suggested. “Those spikes on top of the gate could do some serious damage if someone, (like me) was to lose their footing.”
“You stay here Kooky, I’ll go find the key,” Mr Smarts said kindly as he vaulted over the gate.
“No way, I could get arrested for loitering out here,” I whispered before following him, miraculously without impaling myself. Mr Smarts caught me in his arms before I fell to the ground and we raced off down the path.
“Mr Smarts, it’s a bit spooky in here,” I whispered grabbing his hand. “And what’s that horrible noise above us?”
“It’s just the bats Kooky,” Mr Smarts whispered back nonchalantly.
“Bats! Mr Smarts we have to get out of here.” I squealed, imagining bats sucking blood from neck. “We have to leave!” I said putting my hands around my neck, just in case. Mr Smarts laughed, he thought I was joking – I wasn’t.
“Look, there’s the bin. In less than a minute we will be out of here,” he said calmly.
I had never been so excited to see a bin in all my life. I would have kissed it had it not been empty! We couldn’t believe it! Without a word we turned around, climbed the ruddy gate, called a cab and went back to bed.
At the crack of dawn we returned to the garden and searched for the rubbish. As luck would have it we heard a rumbling noise and a small garbage truck came trundling along. The driver, surprised to find two people begging to look through his garbage, was more than happy to show us where it was.
The rubbish area contained a mountain of white plastic bags all bulging at the seams. A buzzing sound surrounded us which came from the millions of maggot carrying blow flies. The now hot summer sun was slowly but steadily putrefying the food scraps around us. We worked our way from bag to stinking bag and then climbed into the large dump bin.
Mr Smarts and I, in a frenzy, ripped open the rubbish bags between dry retching, (I admit it was only me). Then Mr Smarts threw me a bag and said, “I think it’s in there Kooky.” I ripped it open only to be horrified by a full, ripe baby’s nappy. Mr Smarts was in fits of laughter, I swear he nearly wet his pants.
Amazingly, amongst all this crap we still had a sense of humour but no key. It was at this point that Mr Smarts turned to me and said, “You know Kooky, I don’t know anyone else I’d rather be standing in a stinking bin covered from head to toe in crap looking for a key but you.”
My heart fluttered as I thought to myself, “No way! Is Mr Smarts proposing? Surely not here! Not in this stink hole!” I looked at my wedding finger, it was black. I hurriedly spat on it before wiping in on my dress.
Mr Smarts knelt down, (I nearly cried) he opened the palm of his hand. I gasped in surprise, there was my key!
Happy Birthday Mr Smarts, you’re one in a trillion x