I was having a lovely, long, shower when I felt something tickle my ear.
“Oh Mr Smarts,” I giggled, but Mr Smarts was nowhere to be seen. Something tickled my ear again. I gave it a little scratch but the tickle wouldn’t go away.
“Mr Smarts,” I called, slipping into my dressing gown. “Could you come here? I am having the strangest sensation in my ear.”
“What’s wrong with your rear?” Mr Smarts asked curiously.
“Not my rear, something is tickling my ear,” I explained. “I have a horrid feeling there might be something in it.”
“You’re right, there is. It’s black and rather hairy.” Mr Smarts said in awe.
“It’s not a spider is it?” I stifled a scream. “Oh Mr Smarts please, you must get it out!”
“Don’t worry Kooky, it’s a tiny spider,” Mr Smarts reassured me as he probed my ear with a pair of tweezers.
“Ow,” I cried in pain as he jabbed here, there and everywhere.
“Sorry Kooky,” Mr Smarts apologized, “but I think I’ve pulled its legs off. Two of them to be exact.”
“I need all the legs out, not just two,” I wailed. “Mr Smarts, I’m begging you, get it out now!”
“Unfortunately Kooky, the spider has disappeared, all six legs of it,” Mr Smarts said watching me with concern.
“Right,” I said pulling on my gum boots, (the closest things at hand). “Mr Smarts, drive like the maniac driver you are and get me to the hospital now.”
Needing no further encouragement Mr Smarts jumped behind the wheel and raced helter skelter through the streets, which in reality is how he drives anyway. The only difference being, that this time I wasn’t screaming at him to slow down, to watch the pedestrians, to mind the parked car, to mind the lady watching tv in her house because my ear felt like it was on fire.
I have a spider in my ear!” I yelled as I ran to the front desk of the hospital. The nurse looked up startled.
“Just one moment please,” she said. “Code grey, I repeat code grey. We have a lady here claiming to have a spider in her rear. Please check all patients are accounted for. She is wearing gum boots and a very indiscreet dressing gown.”
“I have a spider in my ear not my rear!” I corrected her. “My husband, Mr Smarts, has two of its hairy little legs. He is parking the car but will be here any minute.”
“You have a husband whose name is Mr Smarts?” the nurse asked surprised. “So are you Mrs Smarts?”
“Everyone calls me Kooky,” I groaned as the spider ran a marathon up and down my ear canal.
“Of course they do dear,” the nurse smiled kindly. “I’m sure Mr Smarts will be here shortly. However until he arrives we might pop you into bed for a little nap. How does that sound?”
But before I could answer a big, burly man burst through the door. He looked rather intimidating with his chest puffed out. Black tattoos covered his knuckles.
“Code grey, I’m here for the code grey, where’s the code grey?” he shouted with some importance.
“Marvin,” the nurse said wearily. “How many times do I have to explain? You are security which means you are to remain inconspicuous.”
“Sorry Nurse Hackett,” Marvin mumbled sheepishly. His chest deflated measurably.
“Marvin, this is Kooky and she thinks she has a spider in her ear,” Nurse Hackett explained patiently.
Marvin snorted. “As if she’s got a spider in her rear, more likely she’s…”
“My ear not my rear!” I shouted at him. “I have a spider in my ear. Then a thought struck me. What if it had a red back?
“I could have a red back spider in my ear!” I screamed looking fearfully at Marvin. “Tip me upside down,” I begged. “It might crawl out.” He looked at me warily and backed away.
“Kooky, it’s not a red back spider,” Mr Smarts said joining us. “It’s really very small.” He gave the nurse the tiny, hairy legs.
“Well I must say Mr Smarts, I was a tad concerned Kooky was an escapee,” Nurse Hackett beamed at Mr Smarts. “With a name like Kooky one has to wonder,” (said she with a name like Nurse Hackett).
“Excuse me,” I coughed. “Spider in my ear, remember? I would like it out, if it’s not too much bother.”
“Yes of course dear,” she said and led me to a cubicle where the spider was dealt with very gently.
A few days later, the spider made another appearance, at Show and Tell. He was brought in by a kid named Garvin, (who I’m told looks a lot like Marvin) and that was the last we heard of it.