Not to be deterred by his earlier attempts, at exercising, Mr Fit was determined to challenge himself further. With Aunt Mavis spending a few days in hospital and, as he had always considered himself her favorite nephew, (she had no idea why, as she much preferred his brother) Mr Fit took out his brand, spanking, new bike and rode off to visit her.
It was rather an easy 12km ride into town, practically downhill all the way. As he hadn’t ridden for many years, to be on the safe side, (his logic not mine) Mr Fit rode smack bang on the white line in the middle of the road. Drivers went ballistic as they swerved around him and tooted their horns ferociously. Mr Fit smiled and waved and marveled at how friendly everyone was. He enjoyed his ride immensely and was in high spirits when he arrived at the hospital.
“Oh it’s you,” Aunt Mavis grumbled from her bed as Mr Fit strode in happily.
“Yes it’s me Aunt Mavis,” Mr Fit said cheerily as he kissed her whiskery cheek. “I knew you’d be feeling lonely so I’ve come to visit.” Aunt Agnes mumbled something which Mr Fit couldn’t quite understand.
“I hope you’re not too unwell because I’ve brought you a little present,” Mr Fit teased.
“Ooohhh what is it?” Aunt Mavis asked with a gummy smile. She loved presents, especially those of the liquid kind.
“Close your eyes and don’t peek,” Mr Fit instructed as he pulled a bottle of whiskey from his back pack. He took off the lid and waved the bottle under her nose. She made a grab for it but he held it safely away from her.
“Dear boy,” she almost shouted. “Give me that bottle now and let’s have a nip.”
“It’s 9.30 in the morning Aunt Mavis!” Mr Fit pooh poohed. “Far too early for a drink of the alcoholic kind.”
“Freddy Fit I am in hospital! Do you honestly think time has any meaning here?” Aunt Mavis seethed. “No! So take those glasses from the table and pour a drink for each of us before I take you over my knee and give you a good spanking.”
Mr Fit looked at the glasses and almost jumped in fright when he saw a set of false teeth smiling up at him.
“Um, Aunt Mavis there’s only one glass free,” he said in alarm. “Your teeth are soaking in the other.”
“Oh for goodness sake,” Aunt Mavis said tipping the teeth into the nearby sink. “Fill them right up to the top Freddy,” she said sweetly, which scared him even more so he did what she asked.
For the next thirty minutes Aunt Mavis and Mr Fit spent a jolly time drinking, laughing and carrying on. So much so that Aunt Mavis decided she would change her will and give Mr Fit her most coveted, (only by her of course) collection of tea spoons. Mr Fit almost wept with gratitude until Aunt Mavis remembered she had left them to his brother Felix.
In fact she became rather confused in the end and kept calling Mr Fit, Felix and rallied on about what a bore the other one was. In a lovely warm haze Mr Fit pondered for a minute or two who “the other one was,” until Aunt Mavis poured him another glass and his thoughts wandered off elsewhere.
With the bottle almost empty Aunt Mavis fell into a deep, snoring sleep and Mr Fit decided it was time to leave. She was snoring so loudly Mr Fit didn’t bother to creep out. He couldn’t have anyway. His legs felt like jelly and his eyes wouldn’t focus on where he wanted to go. Lurching here and there he managed to stumble to his bike, which he knew beyond doubt he shouldn’t ride. Instead, pulling it along beside him he began the hilly climb home.
Shortly after, feeling desperately tired and somewhat desperately ill, Mr Fit slid to the ground and went to sleep just where he was, right next to the gutter. He woke hours later and found himself tucked tightly up in bed with a tube hanging from his hand.
Apparently he had been found by a group of boys who very excitedly phoned the hospital claiming they had found a dead person. Poor Mr Fit wished he was dead, especially when Aunt Mavis gleefully suggested they finish the rest of the bottle.
There’s always one in every family, sometimes two, sometimes more. So who is it in yours?