Our Week of Debauchery

Mr Smarts has been away at a conference for six days. He claims he is hard at work but whenever he phones his voice sounds very croaky, which usually happens after too many beers and I’m sure I can hear the surf in the background.

Even though we love Mr Smarts, sometimes the kids and I are a tiny bit happy to see him go. You see, Mr Smarts abhors junk food as it makes him feel quite ill. I give you one example;

One night, on our way home from a picnic of fish and chips at the park, Mr Groovy and the now Mrs Groovy phoned to tell us the joyous news of their engagement. This of course was super exciting news but before we could yell “Yay! Hurrah! Brilliant!” and shed little tears of happiness, Mr Smarts promptly flew out of the car and puked in the gutter. So I had to say, “Congratulations, we couldn’t be happier for you. Mr Smarts is rapt for you too, he’s just vomiting fish and chips up in the gutter, sorry.” They completely understood.

He turns green at the mention of noodles, grey when he sees the golden arches and don’t even mention the colonel, that could almost kill him.

Obviously, it is in our best interest if junk food is kept to a minimum, especially as Mr Smarts feels the dire need to burp and fart excessively if he doesn’t vomit. I keep a scented candle lit beside the bed on these particular occasions. Although, sometimes it does concern me that we could all be blown to smithereens, what with the gas and the candle. How embarrassing to be killed in an explosion of farts!

So this was our big chance to indulge and we did so with gusto. We ate everything that was either fried, deep fried or dripping in fat and we loved it. We marvelled at the lack of dishes, the lack of cooking and the extra time we had. Until today, when we woke up feeling squeamish and utterly revolting.

This morning I emptied a bowl of days old rice, (don’t judge me), into the bin. A few grains fell on the floor and I almost lent down and licked them up. Surely, if I had, my body would have expelled every vile piece of garbage I have shoved into it over the past few days. It was hard to resist. The temptation was so great.

Unfortunately, (I am now typing one handed as the other is over my mouth to stop the gagging) tonight is Fish and Chip Night at Pippa’s school. I honestly don’t know if I can do it. It’s going to definitely tip me over the edge.

Lengthy discussions have taken place as to what we can get away with, salad, fruit salad, lettuce, steam vegetables, more lettuce but I’m pretty sure that’s not Fish and Chip Night etiquette. There were also suggestions that we hide in the bushes while we eat our salad so no one will see us. Okay, not the bushes because the police might be called, maybe the tunnel on the slide?

Though I seriously doubt I would fit in the slide as the button on my shorts is digging into me and I’m pretty sure my stomach wobbles when I walk. I would wear my Nancy Gants tonight but I fear strangulation as I have no doubt put on 20 kilos. Oooohhh I feel hideous. I don’t think Mr Smarts should ever leave town again.

Have you ever done anything as ridiculous as this and can I please have your vote for Mother of The Year? Thank you.
Copyright 2016