It was school holidays and Red and his mates, Fit and Groovy, (Smarts was busy stacking shelves at the local supermarket) were hanging out at the Red house all by themselves.
Don’t be alarmed, we have travelled back to a time when Red, Fit, Groovy and Smarts were nothing but self-absorbed, hormone raging teenagers.
I wish I could tell you they were smashed out of their brains from drinking copious amounts of alcohol pilfered from Mr Red Seniors generously stocked bar but I’m afraid I am unable to because that just wasn’t the case. They were, unfortunately, stone cold sober on this particular afternoon.
During a very competitive game of billiards Groovy announced out of the blue, “Hey I’ve heard that the longest salami in the word is 48.2cm.”
“I could do with some salami right now,” Fit said hungrily. “That’s one big salami though!”
“Not that kind of salami Fit. Russell The Love Muscle kind of salami,” Groovy said pointing to his groin.
“Russell The Love Muscle,” Red snickered. “You actually call it Russell The Love Muscle? No way!”
“Well what do you call yours dufus?” Groovy asked annoyed.
“The Trouser Snake, of course” Red said with pride. He believed he had been blessed with rather a long one and was very proud of it.
“Right, The Trouser Snake,” Groovy snorted. “Who are you kidding? What about you Fit. What yours called?”
“Um, well I don’t really have a name for it but when I was little my Mum used to call it Mr Winky,” Fit informed them. Red and Groovy looked at him in amazement. “Stop staring at me, it’s grown since then. Quite a lot actually.”
“Okay Russel The Love Muscle, let’s see how big your love muscle actually is,” Red said producing a ruler from Mr Reds desk.
“I’m not doing it with you watching me! Who do you think you are, a doctor or something?” Groovy said aggressively. “Here Fit, you go first.” Fit took the ruler apprehensively and measured as quickly as he could.
“12.5 centimetres,” he said handing the ruler back to Groovy. Groovy measured his once, twice and then a third time.
“9.5 centimetres,” he said disappointedly and passed the ruler to Red. Red smiled smugly and measured with great confidence. Convinced his would be the longest by far he couldn’t believe his eyes when the ruler showed him otherwise.
“So what is it Red?” Groovy asked turning to him. He glanced down at The Trouser Snake and gasped in surprise. “Are you sure you’re not a girl? Check it out Fit, it’s so tiny!”
“Leave me alone,” Red shouted mortified. “It’s still growing, it has to be.”
“Sure it is,” Fit said sympathetically which made Red feel even worse. “Come on Groovy, it’s getting late, time to go.”
“Sorry Red, I didn’t mean anything by it,” Groovy said. “But who would have thought Fit would be The Trouser Snake and you would be Mr Winky?”
Humiliated beyond belief Red, as soon as the door closed behind them whipped off his pants and measured again. Still only 8 centimetres. He pulled at it and measured again but nothing had changed. Determined he gave it a another great tug and was concentrating so hard he didn’t hear the door open again but he did see Mr Thomas, the handy man watching him in alarm.
“Sorry son,” Mr Thomas said backing out of the door in a great hurry. “Your father asked me to pop in and take a look at the leaking tap.” Speechless, Red stared at him in horror.
“I’ll drop back tomorrow, say at 11.30. Yes 11.30 on the dot I will be here,” Mr Thomas called as he hurried out the gate. Red heard great fits of laughter as Mr Thomas drove away in his van.
The next day, at exactly 11.30 am, Mr Thomas spent a good five minutes banging loudly on the door before using the key he had been given. Red was nowhere to be seen. Their paths did cross again, often in fact but not without snorts of laughter escaping from one and great humiliation from the other.
Ever been caught doing, perhaps not this but something equally embarrassing?