Mr Smarts – Enemy of The People No 1

Mr Smarts trudged inside and collapsed on the sofa. He looked crestfallen.

“I’m presuming the meeting didn’t go well?” I asked sitting down beside him.

“Oh Kooky you have no idea,” Mr Smarts said forlornly.  “It was a complete and utter disaster.”

“Surely it couldn’t have been that bad?” I asked hopefully.

“Well let’s see.  First of all Fit turned up in Mrs Fit’s tiny car because he couldn’t find his car keys. As it’s such a small car I was practically lying down to avoid my head hitting the roof whenever he drove through a pot hole, which was often. For two hours I had to stay like this.

Then I needed to relieve myself so I asked Fit to stop.  He wasn’t impressed, you know how he gets but I managed to convince him to pull over at the next service center.  He insisted I take only five minutes.

So there I was doing my business when I heard,“Smarts are you in there? Smarts? Smarts hurry up!”

Then this guy walked in and said,“Mate, if you’re Smarts you better get out there.  Your friend looks like he’s going to blow a gasket.”

I  quickly stopped what I was doing, it had  all dried up in embarrassment anyway and hurried out.  Fit was nowhere to be seen.  Then I heard a horn blasting and there was Fit in his wife’s buzz box yelling through the open window,

“Smarts how long does it take you to pee, seriously?  Get in the car we have to go.”

Did I mention the place was full of people and I was in the spotlight.  Humiliated I ran to the car, jammed myself in and we squealed off  leaving black wheel marks embedded in the road behind us.  I was sure the car was going to fall apart.

Unfortunately, a few minutes later, (because I hadn’t been able to finish what  had already been started) I had that nagging feeling of needing  to go to the loo  again.  This time Fit refused to stop.

“We’re almost there,” he told me as though speaking to a five year old.  “You should have gone before we left.”  I can honestly say that at that moment I hated Fit, especially when he started singing songs about waterfalls. I was so desperate by the time we arrived I was sweating buckets.

Unfortunately the only toilet I could find was through an emergency door, with a sign that read, “You will need your staff access card to gain entrance back into the building.”   I begged Fit to stay in the hallway so when I was finished he could let me back in. He agreed and I rushed off.

Mid-stream an excruciating alarm shrilled around me. My ear drums wanted to burst.  I hurried out expecting to find Fit waiting for me but instead found a chair propping the door open.

“This is a staff toilet, can’t you read?” a big burly woman bellowed at me.

I apologized profusely as she herded me down the emergency stairs, out of the building to where a crowd of people were standing around looking anxious.

“It’s alright everyone. There was no need to evacuate the building. This guy set the alarm off when he was having a pee in the level 14 staff toilet.”

“I’m so sorry everyone. You know how it is?” I apologized to the hostile mob.

“It happens to the best of us dear,” a lovely elderly lady said as she patted my arm. “Oh I almost forgot your zippers undone. You don’t want anything popping out of there do you?”

And where was Fit in all of this you might ask?  Apparently he had decided to go to the meeting without me.  He had  propped the door open with a chair, which turned on the alarm, which then sent everyone scurrying outside fearing that there was either a bomb, a terrorist, or a fire in the building.  To say I was Enemy No 1 of The People was an understatement.”

Have you ever been an enemy of the people?

Oh and by the way, the meeting didn’t take place.  Fit neglected to read the email asking for it be  rescheduled.

Copyright 2016