In two days we move to our farm. I’m not really supposed to refer to it as a farm because, even though fifty acres is an exorbitant amount of land to me, Mr Smarts said it’s piddly compared to the hundred/thousand acre farms out here. But I don’t know what else to call it so forgive me if I insult you.
Mr Smarts also pointed out that we won’t have animals until early next year. He was deeply offended when I pointed to Miss Molly, his girlfriend, and wondered out loud what he thought she was. We all suspect he thinks she’s human. Miss Molly glared at me and barred her teeth as she eyed my tiara. I’m sure she wears it night when we’re all asleep.
Little does she know though, that I’ve been campaigning for another dog. A dog that will listen to what I want it to do ie round up the calves. Honestly, I can’t believe I’ve just written, “round up the calves”! What the hell do I think I’m doing moving to a farm that’s not really a farm!
Holy shite I’m starting to hyperventilate again. Give me five and I’ll get back to you. I just need to lie on the floor for a minute or thirty.
Okay, things are improving, I didn’t black out this time.
While I’m on the topic of hyperventilating, if one more person suggests that I cut my hair short I will have to take them out. You have no idea the trauma I went through when my Mum’s friend, an unemployed hairdresser, gave me short back and sides at the age of eight. I still wonder if she was sober at the time?
Anyway, it took years to grow out and during that time I spent most of my life convincing people I was actually a girl. My siblings thought it was hilarious. It was not! Plus I had a full mouth of chunky, metal braces. It wasn’t pretty.
So you can understand why, with my boy boobs, I still need to keep my hair long. Which means my hair dryer is most definitely coming with me. However, if anyone knows of the existence of a battery powered hair dryer could you please let me know.
On a much happier note, Mrs Red presented me with the most stunning pair of soft, deer skin gloves. I love them. They are covered in bling and with my sparkling tiara I am going to look fabulous.
Although, it has been also been suggested that perhaps I should farm naked! But with calves being what they are, obviously that would be a very, very bad idea. Certainly not worth the fifteen minutes of fame the YouTube clip would give me. However, naked farming could be a great topic for a reality show? I’ll get back to you on that one.
Our thoughts and prayers are with the fabulous Julia – Five Fairies and a Fella, and her beautiful family. If you haven’t read her book, Breakfast, School Run, Chemo it’s worth the read.