Boy Boobs And A Bad Haircut

In two days we move to our farm. I’m not really supposed to refer to it as a farm because, even though fifty acres is an exorbitant amount of land to me, Mr Smarts said it’s piddly compared to the hundred/thousand acre farms out here. But I don’t know what else to call it so forgive me if I insult you.

Mr Smarts also pointed out that we won’t have animals until early next year. He was deeply offended when I pointed to Miss Molly, his girlfriend, and wondered out loud what he thought she was. We all suspect he thinks she’s human. Miss Molly glared at me and barred her teeth as she eyed my tiara. I’m sure she wears it night when we’re all asleep.

Little does she know though, that I’ve been campaigning for another dog. A dog that will listen to what I want it to do ie round up the calves. Honestly, I can’t believe I’ve just written, “round up the calves”! What the hell do I think I’m doing moving to a farm that’s not really a farm!

Holy shite I’m starting to hyperventilate again. Give me five and I’ll get back to you. I just need to lie on the floor for a minute or thirty.
Okay, things are improving, I didn’t black out this time.

While I’m on the topic of hyperventilating, if one more person suggests that I cut my hair short I will have to take them out. You have no idea the trauma I went through when my Mum’s friend, an unemployed hairdresser, gave me short back and sides at the age of eight. I still wonder if she was sober at the time?

Anyway, it took years to grow out and during that time I spent most of my life convincing people I was actually a girl. My siblings thought it was hilarious. It was not! Plus I had a full mouth of chunky, metal braces. It wasn’t pretty.

So you can understand why, with my boy boobs, I still need to keep my hair long. Which means my hair dryer is most definitely coming with me. However, if anyone knows of the existence of a battery powered hair dryer could you please let me know.

On a much happier note, Mrs Red presented me with the most stunning pair of soft, deer skin gloves. I love them. They are covered in bling and with my sparkling tiara I am going to look fabulous.

Although, it has been also been suggested that perhaps I should farm naked! But with calves being what they are, obviously that would be a very, very bad idea. Certainly not worth the fifteen minutes of fame the YouTube clip would give me. However, naked farming could be a great topic for a reality show? I’ll get back to you on that one.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the fabulous Julia – Five Fairies and a Fella,  and her beautiful family. If you haven’t read her book, Breakfast, School Run, Chemo it’s worth the read.


18 thoughts on “Boy Boobs And A Bad Haircut

  1. In the absence of a battery operated hair dryer you are just going to have to master an up-do. Top knots (on the very top like a unicorn horn) are all the rage at the mo. And you’re going to need a good farm-that’s-not-a-farm hat. Caps are cool. Find one with some bling and you my friend are set. Think of the time you’ll save not drying your hair! As for nakedness and calves and YouTube? Thanks. I can’t unsee that! Eeek! Lol.


      1. And then if you don’t wear a bra, helps with the wrinkles too. Oh, boy boobs, don’t worry about it. It’s not going to have desired affect

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Louise, what a fabulous idea. Can you imagine, the phone will be running off the hook. And in honor of your marvelous suggestion you can be our first guest, free of charge. Don’t forget the sun screen x

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh my how very brave, cos that def sounds like you are moving more than 5 minutes from a Myers. The up side is that the twirl you get in your hair from curling it all under a hat will be very becoming. Good luck with the cows and I hope the new dog works out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We will be 1 1/2 hrs from Myer but thankfully, I show real talent at online shopping. I, not joking, look like Krusty the Clown if I don’t dry my hair and as clowns are not in vogue at the moment there is every possibility I could be shot or at least tasered. Interested times ahead


  3. Ha ha ha! Nude farming does conjure up some disturbing pictures in my mind! It all sounds idyllic, except for moving away from the beach and shopping centres. You are extremely brave!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think we might be slightly deranged. It’s going to be hot, at last, here later in the week so a day at the beach is in order 🙂


  4. Naked farming = cattle ticks. Don’t go there. I seem to have missed this post??? How? I’m subscribed by email and follow you on everything??? It’s very exciting and I’m still jealous. You’ll be able to get all sorts of animals. Get some chickens and we’ll swap stories!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Chickens will be very soon 🙂 A few years ago, Smarts promised Kate that if we ever lived on land he would buy her an alpaca. He can’t seem to remember that promise but we all do. So we are searching for Tina the Alpaca.


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