I Survived an Anaconda Attack

Dumbalk at Christmas is a beautiful sight.  Whether driving down country lanes or the middle of town you will find houses standing proud in all their Christmas glory.

Sadly, our little house on our little farm was bereft of any decoration whatsoever.  So there was nothing left to do, we had to decorate too.  By we, of course I mean me. Sadly, I gave birth to Christmas Grinch’s, (I would have had them hypnotized at birth had I known).

I needed a wow factor! And I knew exactly what to do.  A giant gum tree in the middle of our front paddock was just waiting to be accessorized with Christmas lights.

With my faithful companion Miss Molly, (our dog) who has surprisingly been attentive of late, I stomped off through the knee high grass.  Of course, I was wearing gumboots but, as it was too hot for long pants I threw on my rather short shorts. A sight which sent the little Grinch’s gagging.

“Oooh,” I giggled to myself as the tall grass sweep across my knees. It was a blissful sensation.  Like feathers, so soft and tickly.

“Oooh” I giggled again.  What a delicious feeling.

“Ow,” I yelled.  It wasn’t tickly anymore.  It was biting and scratchy.  Surprised I looked down and screamed. Hundreds of spiders were running up and down my legs and worse, down into my boots. I jumped up and down hysterically and sent the boots flying.

“You all right there love?” a gruff voice asked from over the fence.

“Fine thank you,” I lied as I pulled on my shorts which had ridden uncomfortably up my butt.

“Thought I’d better stop and ask.  The wife said she saw someone trekking through the grass not wearing much.  On a day like today it’s not a good idea considering the snakes will be out and about.”

“I’ve got my bumboots,” I said pointing to the spider filled gum boots lying on the ground. “I mean gumboots,” I hastily corrected myself.

“It might be an idea to keep them on then,” he advised. “And best you were long pants next time.”

I cursed myself under my breath. Why hadn’t I attempted this under the cover of darkness?

“Putting Christmas lights on the tree are you?” he asked climbing back into his car.  “Will be sure you tell everyone to drive out and have a look.” And with a hearty wave he was off.  No doubt to inform the wife that the newbie was best to be avoided.

I smashed the gum boots against the tree but there was no way I was wearing them again.  Not until they had been sprayed with a can of mortein. So with Miss Molly watching me I threw the lights on the tree as high as I could and stood back to admire my masterpiece.

But a masterpiece it was not! What had I done? The lights were all clumped together!  It was an absolute disgrace!  It was an embarrassment! There was no way I could be held accountable for such an appalling Christmas display. I couldn’t even blame the Grinch’s. I had no choice but to start over.

Frustrated I wound the lights up again and had almost finished when something grabbed hold of my outstretched leg. An anaconda was trying to swallow me.  I just knew it. Its grip was so tight I feared for my life.  No sound came from my mouth as I called for help.  My life flashed before my eyes. The headlines on the local newspapers read, “Woman dies of snake bite in paddock.  Wearing nothing but socks and shorty shorts”.  Well there was no way in hell that was ever going to happen!

I grabbed a gumboot and hurled it behind me.  The anaconda hung on. I thrust my leg.  It gripped me tighter. I yelled for Miss Molly but she had obviously run for help.    Grabbing a big stick I turned around to face the vile beast and sadly it wasn’t an anaconda at all, it was Miss Molly humping my leg as though her life depended on it. A look of euphoria beamed from her eyes.

“Are you kidding me?” I yelled as she humped me harder.  I pushed her as hard as I could and unfortunately snapped the lights leaving the wires exposed. So instead of a tree sparkling with five hundred fairy lights there were maybe twenty.

I would like nothing better than to share with you a photo of my miserable display but five days later it was blown down with the wind.  Instead, I will share a photo of the tree.

gum-tree

Did I mention it was dead? You may notice that the grass is no longer knee high.  The very next day it was slashed!

Wishing you all a beautiful Christmas/Hanukkah.  May it be filled with the peace, joy and love you all deserve.

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7 thoughts on “I Survived an Anaconda Attack

  1. You are a very funny lady 🙂 Most blogs I’ve come across are full of long posts, but yours is one of the few that I actually read right to the end! I have a very short boredom threshold so it takes a lot to keep my attention…

    What’s the type and title of the book you’re having published?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s always a worry that I blab on too much. Thanks for the boost of confidence. The title is Where on Earth is Heaven and in the end the publishers decided not to go with it because it’s not really their thing. So in the new year it’s being sent out. Fingers crossed it gets picked up. My kids laughed when they saw your blog name. Very clever.

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  2. I’m thinking that tree would have looked fantastic. I have a fascination with dead trees. They look so eerie. Merry Christmas to you Kooky and thanks for all the laughs this year. We saw a snake on our hike the other day. I was petrified and couldn’t walk past it so we doubled back. Don’t walk in long grass with shorty shorts. The internet can’t afford to lose you x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think my kids have burnt my shorty shorts so it’s bikini bottoms from now on. Although that might cause an accident so perhaps I had better wear long pants after all. Thanks for a wonderful year full of laughter reading your blogs. Happy Christmas lovely xxx

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