My Nemesis – The Big Black Beast

Okay, so I’ve been missing in action for a few weeks and no, there is no need to tell me you haven’t noticed, I will pretend you have.

“What have you been up to?” I pretend I hear you ask.

“Well, I have been avoiding the quad bike I was given for Christmas,” I reply still shocked by that strange event.

“What the hell! A quad bike! What has happened to your life?” you shout in horror.  Or was it that little voice hyperventilating inside my head again. Don’t worry, I hear you loud and clear.

Yes, Christmas morning, there I was standing speechless before the great beast of a quad bike with Mr Smarts eyeing me warily.

“Kooky, you need a quad bike,” he assured me gently.  “Every farm girl needs one.”  Notice he used the term “girl”, very smooth. Then he hastily handed me another gift, tickets to a day at the tennis, which eased tensions immensely.

I examined the bike with trepidation. Big and black it stood menacing before me.  Perhaps in the farming world it might have sex appeal, you know, like a Maserati?  I call it The Beast and I’m not sure we’re going to be friends.  Let me explain why.

Mr Smarts was very cautious when I announced I was going to take The Beast for a spin there and then.  You know, grab the bull by the horns and all that, (bloody hell, I had better never have to really grab the bull by the horns) and after a few quick instructions, which I’ll admit I didn’t pay any attention to, (I was too busy imagining myself riding across the paddock with the wind at my face and wondering if I was too old to be on the cover of Vogue.  I quite liked the ensemble of my dress, farm boots, jingly bracelets and of course my tiara sitting on top of my helmet) I was off.

Oooohhh the bumps and the ditches didn’t do wonders for my bladder and after a very short while I desperately needed to get off.  But I couldn’t because The Beast is a manual and I had no idea where the brakes were.

Of course I did try to find them but pressed some damn thing that made me go much faster than I wanted. So there I was circling Mr Smarts at great speed screaming,

“Help me! Help me! Where are the brakes?”

Well at first Mr Smarts thought I was joking.

“Hahaha,” he laughed merrily as I drove around him.  Then he saw the look on my face.

“Blah blah blah and blah blah stop!” he shouted at me.  The wind carried his words far away.

“What!!!!!!” I screamed back.

“Blah blah blah many times have I begged you to have a hearing test!” he shouted.

Didn’t he realize, that with one slight twitch of the steering I would be driving directly in his path!  He lives dangerously at times.

“I can’t find the brakes!” I screamed at the top of my voice. “And I need to pee!”  He shook his head in disbelief.

“Push on the blah blah and pull on the blah blah!” he shouted as he made pumping motions with his foot.

Feeling very dizzy and with my bladder ready to explode  I pressed and pulled on the sticky outy things until, thankfully, I eventually  slowed down enough to where Mr Smarts was able to calmly shut the whole thing down.

I don’t have the nerve to tell him that I still have no idea where the rotten brakes are but I do look forward to becoming very fit chasing the calves around the place. By about June I should be able to run a marathon.  Go me!

Any advice on quad bikes would be appreciated.  I am expecting a roll bar on Valentines Day, how utterly fabulous.

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10 thoughts on “My Nemesis – The Big Black Beast

  1. Oh Kooky. How funny. Now, it’s funny now yeah? Hehe. We have a quad but it’s not a big mother of a quad bike. We bought it for the kids to joy ride on but we can ride it comfortably too. If yours is a ridgey didge farm quad and ‘all terrain’ then a roll bar is a must! I’ve known of too many farm accidents from my days working in agriculture in Qld. Perhaps Mr Smarts will let you paint it in a colour of your choice?

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    1. When I caught up with Mr Fabulous, my oldest bestie, he, in his drunken state declared “Oh Kooks, you of all people shouldn’t be let loose on a quad bike. You’re going to die on that thing.” The he made sure he knew where I wanted my wake to be held and started to plan his little talk about me. So I’m a little nervous.

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  2. Just for the record – I noticed!

    I wouldn’t even get on my mother’s sit-on lawn mower, so I have nothing but respect for you getting on a chuffin’ quad bike! I own a normal bike, but it’s a ‘ladies’ bike with no crossbar, a basket on the front and an air of superiority. I’m quite happy pootling around on that – much to the embarrassment of my teens…which makes it all the more fun to ride 🙂

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    1. My other bike is a girls bike but so much like a boys bike that I’ve spent many a time screaming in agony. I love my ride on mower, I putt along and pretend I’m mowing the lawns on Downtown Abbey and that is one hell of a stretch of my imagination.

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      1. I need that seat on the quad. Suspension for my lady bits which were jiggled about dramatically

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  3. Yes, did wonder whether you’d gone on sabbatical!
    Stick with the quad…you will grow to love putting around on it.
    Can’t wait to hear about the new tractor for your birthday! 🚜😂

    Liked by 2 people

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