Our friend Freddy Fit was at a loss last weekend. Mrs Fit had a nasty cold and he was driving her batty with his constant hovering and fussing when all she wanted to do was sleep. Finally, unable to take any more of the thermometer being thrust into her mouth whenever she sneezed, Mrs Fit demanded he take the children for a drive out to the country to visit us. He had strict instructions not to return until it was very dark.
Reluctantly, he packed the kids their sparkling new gumboots, (everyone brings their sparkly new gum boots to our house) and after collecting Baz, his father, they made their way down to our small farm.
It was a glorious autumn day and the drive through the hills was very pleasant. All was right with the world until Baz exclaimed,
“Well would you look at that! Pull the car over for a minute would you Freddy? The kids need to see this.”
“But where almost there,” Freddy said spying our house through the trees.
“Freddy, the children may never have an opportunity like this again. Please stop the car!” Baz ordered.
So Freddy stopped the car and could not believe what he saw. It was the most disgusting, horrific thing imaginable. He felt sick to his stomach.
“Get the kids back in the car,” he ordered.
“What? Why?” Baz asked.
“Don’t look kids, just get in the car. Now!” Freddy covered their eyes with his hands and shoved them back into the car.
“Dad get in the car!” Freddy demanded revving the car engine, desperate to be away.
“But I want to watch,” Baz said looking at his son as though he was mad. “It’s not every day you get to see a…”
“Get in the car NOW!” Freddy shrieked. By now was beside himself. But Baz ignored his rampaging son and watched, mesmerized, at the scene before him.
“Suit yourself then,” Freddy shouted. “But I’m going to get help.” And he sped off down the road to our house.
“Kooks! Smarts! There’s a cow that needs your help!” Freddy shouted as he banged his first on the car horn.
“What with?” I asked alarmed.
“You won’t believe it!” Freddy said. “Out of the car kids,” he ordered. They scampered inside the house relieved to get away from their frantic father. He was so embarrassing sometimes.
“Where’s Baz?” Mr Smarts asked pulling on his boots.
“He’s back there watching. Can you believe it?” Freddy said in disgust.
“Watching what?” I asked. “Has there been an accident? Should we call the vet?”
“I’ll tell you on the way,” Freddy said slamming the car door behind him. “Hurry up! There’s no time to waste!”
So Mr Smarts and I climbed into the car and without further delay we were zooming back to Baz.
“Freddy, what the hell is going on?” Mr Smarts asked grabbing hold of the dashboard as the car swerved all over the road.
“Ah it’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen,” Freddy moaned. “A poor cow’s insides are falling out of its backside.”
“What? What do you mean?” I asked in dismay.
“All its insides are spilling out to the ground. It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen,” he declared. “And it was making the most horrific noises. Bellowing and grunting as though it was dying. It was terrifying.”
Mr Smarts and I looked at each other bewildered as the car came to a screeching stop.
“Ah just in time,” Baz greeted them. “Like I was telling Freddy before he dashed off, it’s not like we get to see this sort of thing every day.”
“Oh Dad, honestly,” Freddy said repulsed. “The poor cow needs our help not us gawking at it. Its insides are falling out. We’ve got to help him.”
We looked at the cow whose insides were thankfully, most definitely, not falling out.
“Freddy,” Mr Smarts said very calmly. “The cow is about to give birth and it’s a her not a him.”
Freddy looked at the cow in disbelief. Baz looked at Freddy in disbelief and wondered how many times Freddy had been dropped on his head as a baby. I have to admit, we often find ourselves wondering that very same thing sometimes.