The Queen of Calves

Well it’s taken longer than we thought but Mr Smarts has almost finished building the calf shed which means the calves will be moving in very soon.  So to celebrate my debut into farming I thought I would share again with you the day I went to my very first calf rearing expo.

Mr Smarts waited until I had drunk every last drop of the wine he had given me before telling me he had found the perfect fifty acres for us to live on and that there was an expo on calf rearing which he hoped I would attend. With my fuzzy logic after a glass of wine and as he knew I would, I agreed that the land sounded fabulous and that of course I would go to the expo as it sounded utterly fascinating.

The next morning I stood in my dressing room and for once in my life was totally stumped. What does one wear to a calf rearing expo?  Jeans, a jacket, obviously not heels but could I get away with boots with heels, not stilettos but a nice little wedge?

“Kooky no,” Mr Smarts said shaking his head.  “There’s no need to make a fashion statement, just wear your blundstones.”

“Do I actually own a pair?” I asked surprised.

“I bought them for you years ago,” Mr Smarts said.  “They’re in the shed somewhere.”

“Mr Smarts there is no way in hell I am wearing those boots, they’re covered in cobwebs!” I said as he dragged them out from under a pile of old tennis rackets. What was I to do? Then I remembered I had been given the cutest pair of leopard print gum boots which would be perfect for such an occasion.

“Hello I’m here for the expo,” I greeted the man at the door who, upon seeing my boots was so delighted with them he couldn’t stop grinning.

“I haven’t seen you around here before?” the man said unable to take his eyes off my boots.

“Oh my husband, Mr Smarts sent me. I’m Kooky,” I said introducing myself.

“Yes, you most certainly are,” the man agreed as he led me to the edge of the crowd where I stood with one eye on the door in case I needed to flee.

I tried in vain to follow what the speaker was talking about and actually did manage to laugh at a few of his jokes but in all honesty I was out of my depth until I heard, “Credit card, who out there uses credit cards?”

My hand shot up. “I do!” I shouted.

“Name please?” the speaker asked.

“Kooky Chic but just call me Kooky?” I replied.

“Okay then Kooky, can you tell us all how much and how often you use it?” the speaker asked.

“Well as much as I can get away with, without Mr Smarts having a coronary.” The man looked puzzled.  “And probably every day.”

“And have you found much improvement since using it?”

“Yes I guess I could say my lifestyle has improved significantly.”

“That’s what we like to hear and how many calves do you have?”

“Um none,” I said.  “What on earth do calves have to do with credit cards? Perhaps you can only buy calves with credit cards these days?” I thought to myself. “I have kids, is that what you mean?” I asked.

“Ah goats! I’m not actually sure I’ve heard of anyone feeding their kids….” Then he said a word which sounded just like credit cards. Well it did if you had only been vaguely listening and were dreaming about your next credit card purchase, a lovely little dress which you had seen in the window of your favourite boutique.

Trying not to panic and with all eyes on me I pretended to look at my watch which I never wear before saying “Oh they love it, I couldn’t recommend it more highly. ” Then I stood up and walked quickly towards the door. “Have to rush, feeding time and all that.  Thanks for the chat, it was lovely.”

“Blimey look at those boots!”  I heard as I ran through the door.  “I’ve never seen anything like that before.”

“At least I got something right,” I thought as I looked down at them proudly.

“Mr Smarts,” I said rather tersely that night.  “Remember when we first met, I told you that I would never marry a farmer and that I would never live on a farm?”

“Yes Kooky I remember.”

“And have I not reminded you of this many, many times.”

“Yes many times,” Mr Smarts admitted. “But Kooky you wouldn’t be married to farmer, I would be and I love the idea of living on a farm and you rearing calves. Let’s celebrate with a bottle of red!”   Yes, Mr Smarts is very clever indeed.

And the word which sounded like credit cards.  Well it was none other than The Queen of Calves. I know, you would have been confused too wouldn’t you?

Copyright 2017



16 thoughts on “The Queen of Calves

    1. I can drink anything else but red wine, two glasses and I’m anyone’s. Smarts just informed me that I will need to hose myself down after each feed. In the middle of winter. I’m going to be drinking at breakfast.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. If I had a dishwasher everything would be great. Hot water being updated and solar man coming Thursday. I can hardly contain my excitement 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Sent too soon….spikey legs. So at night when I rub my legs against his… It’s the subtle ways I can get revenge 🙂


    1. He has lots of letters after his name. It could be quite intimidating if I thought about it. Agriculture is his passion though, and that’s what he studied first and that’s what led us down to South Gippsland. It’s been an interesting ride.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Bahahaha! So now I know Queen of Calves is actually a THING thanks to YOU Kooks. A feeding supplement! bahaha! Yes I googled it because I don’t EVER want be caught making the same mistake and I bluffed my way in agriculture for years Kooks making out that I knew what I was on about. I was very good at it I might add. My gummies are hot pink. We’d make quite the pair of ‘farmers’ now wouldn’t we?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We would be fabulous. I ordered a new pair of sparkling silver today. I am so excited. Glad I could help, I think I might need a hearing aid.


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