Come with me and travel back to a time, way in the past, when my good friend Freddy Fit still lived at home with his parents. You won’t be disappointed.
A Christmas Lust Story
Mrs Fit had resigned herself to the fact that Freddy was never going to leave home and that her dreams of turning his bedroom into a sewing room were sadly never going to happen. So when he announced he had invited his girlfriend to Midnight Mass, a Fit family tradition, she was beside herself. A girlfriend? Midnight Mass! This had to be serious.
She was in a flap, she wanted that sewing room. Everything had to be prefect. She spent hours dusting, polishing and vacuuming the Good Room which was only ever used for very important guests. Poor Baz was run ragged mowing the lawns and trimming the hedges. He huffed and puffed as he cleaned the spouting and washed down the weatherboards, but he didn’t complain. He harbored secret plans for Freddy’s bedroom himself, a new office with a bar and tv. Freddy had to leave.
The house looked lovely and the Good Room perfect. The plastic covering on the sofa was barely noticeable. If only Mrs Fit could do something about Baz’s ridiculous Christmas tree. He had won it in a raffle at the pub which annoyed her immensely as she knew he could have chosen the meat tray instead.
He had stuffed the poor tree into the boot of his car so that half its branches had broken off. It was lopsided and looked ready to fall should anyone dare breathe on it. To make matters worse, Baz, having no understanding of the importance of a perfectly decorated tree, had haphazardly hurled every Christmas light he could find at it. He had neglected to untangle them so they hung in a great mass on just a few of the broken branches.
Mrs Fit had never seen a tree so hideous in all her life. She much preferred her silver Christmas tree which didn’t drop pine needles all over the carpet and with a squirt of Pine O’Clean smelt like a real tree anyway. She wanted to burn the damn thing to the ground but Baz wouldn’t hear of it. He had never been allowed near the silver tree so this was his revenge. Mrs Fit did insist on a new house rule though, that the curtains remain closed in the Good Room until Christmas was over. Honestly, what would the neighbors think if they saw it?
Christmas Eve finally arrived. It had been a typical scorching, hot, summer’s day and unfortunately the night was not much better. Mrs Fit refused to open the windows in case someone should walk past and see the ghastly tree, but she did relent to the fan being turned on, until the tree swayed precariously in the breeze and the tinsel flew across the room. With no air flow the Good Room was unbearably hot.
Sweat poured from Freddy’s girlfriend. She slid across the plastic covered sofa, which was slick with sweat, whenever she changed position. The poor girl wondered how she would manage Midnight Mass, surely everyone would think she had wet her pants? She could barely concentrate on the conversation she was so concerned and Mrs Fit thought her very meek and mild. She would be a nice addition to the family Mrs Fit decided.
When Freddy suggested they drive to the church separately, she was very relieved. Baz being Baz though, insisted otherwise. He needed his family together so they wouldn’t have to share a pew. He couldn’t snooze with a total stranger sitting next to him! But Freddy promised they wouldn’t be long and they finally found themselves alone.
“Let’s have a drink shall we,” the girlfriend suggested, stalling for time. Surely if she could get off the sofa her pants would dry, it was so stinking hot. Freddy Fit needed no encouragement and poured them both a glass of Stone, (ginger wine).
“We probably should get going,” he said when they’d finished. “Mass will be starting soon and Mum will be worried.”
“Just one more,” the girlfriend said, batting her eyelids. Her pants were still soaking wet.
So Freddy filled their glasses again and again, until eventually the saga of the pants was revealed. Giggling, they took them off and tossed them over the fan to dry. Then they drank a bit more, and as things often do when alcohol and Christmas cheer are involved, one thing led to another until the Good Room was hotter than hell.
At the church Mrs Fit was very concerned. Mass had ended and Freddy was nowhere in sight. Something must have happened! Smiling apologetically at the poor woman Baz had been drooling on in his sleep, she elbowed him awake and rushed home.
Oh but how she wished she hadn’t rushed. The Good Room was in a shambles. The rotten Christmas tree had fallen to the floor and had taken the fan, which was making a very strange noise, down with it. And there was Gladys from next door, peering through the crack in the curtains.
“What in blue blazes is going on?” Baz asked. “Have we been broken into do you think?”
“Oh dear Lord,” Mrs Fit cried. “Freddy! Where is my little Freddy?”
“Under here Mum,” came a muffled reply.
And there he was, underneath the Christmas tree, stark naked. Mrs Fit didn’t know where to look. And to make matters worse his bare bottom was on her lovely white carpet.
“Where’s the girl then?” Baz asked, turning off the fan.
“Um, she’s down here with me,” Freddy hicupped.
Mrs Fit could barely speak. Another bare bottom on her beautiful carpet! Could things get any worse? Of course they could, this is the Fit family after all.
Poor Freddy spent the next few weeks in agony. The hot Christmas lights had left enormous welts all over his body and every night he had to endure his mother slapping cream all over him, (it took her a long time to forgive him for ruining her Good Room). As for the girlfriend, well, we know her as Mrs Fit.
Thankfully she has no memory of that night because the fan had hit her in the head and given her a good dose of concussion. As for poor Baz, well, that was just the beginning of his rather tenuous relationship with his future daughter in law. If only he’d known how many times he was to see her naked in the future, perhaps he wouldn’t have fallen asleep during Midnight Mass after all?
If you’re not up with Baz and Mrs Fit
Click here to read Baz and A Pair of Suspenders
or here to read Mrs Fit Flashes the Neighborhood
or here when the new Mrs Fit thought Baz was dying so she planned his funeral in advance Mrs Fits Magnificent Mistake
and when Baz thought he’d killed her precious pugs Baz and The Miracle Pugs
and then when he cooked her dog food for dinner Baz and The Miracle Pugs
Happy families at their best.
Thanks for reading,