Charlie the calf strolled out of the calf shed one morning to find the neighboring cows grazing in the paddock next to his pen. For some reason this displeased him immensely so he puffed out his chest and bellowed obscenities at them. But the cows laughed at the silly little calf and continued munching on the grass.
Angrily Charlie snorted and stomped his feet but it made no difference, the cows just laughed and laughed. This made Charlie furious. So furious that he stormed through the fence, found the biggest cow in the herd and raged and carried on like an absolute lunatic. But the big cow looked down at him with disdain and shoved him aside.
So Charlie went to the next cow, then the next, all the time bellowing his displeasure but nobody took any notice of him at all. Except for me that is, because I had to go in and get him.
Frustrated, I fixed the fence as best I could and set off down the hill after him. But halfway down I heard a strange keening sound. Thinking it was a cow I took no notice and continued chasing after Charlie. What a mistake that was.
The next minute the sky turned grey and the ground shook as a thunderous roar echoed throughout the land. On and on it went. The trees swayed dangerously and the wildlife scrambled for cover. Charlie appeared quivering at my side and together we ran as fast as we could to the safety of the calf pen with Brutus the bull in hot pursuit.
With only a piece of tin between us Brutus roared and kicked up the ground ready to charge. Frantically I phoned Smarts to say my goodbyes because surely I was going to die. But he was on the loo and didn’t answer my five hundred attempts at contact. What the hell he was doing on the loo for that long who knows. So I wrote my goodbyes on the wall of the calf shed with the only thing I could find, calf pooh, don’t worry I used a stick, said my prayers and waited for the attack.
Brutus roared until his voice was hoarse and he kicked up the ground until he had dug an enormous hole. Then, satisfied that he had scared us stupid, he turned around and pranced off down the hill to woo his lady friends.
It turns out that the biggest cow in the herd was in fact a raging bull who was about to have his way with a paddock full of cycling cows. Surely he didn’t Charlie was encroaching on his manhood did he?
As for Charlie, well he spent the rest of the day in the naughty corner and didn’t dare utter a sound. And I went home and looked at real estate in the city where bulls and calves are nowhere to be found. I think I’m lucky to be alive.
Anyone had the pleasure of being charged by a bull? Or even a goat? I’ve heard ducks can be quite terrifying so no ducks are allowed here.
Thanks for reading,
Photo Cred Valentine the Bull