Armageddon Pays A Visit To Withering Plains

MRS GROOVY’S BLESSED HOLY WATER

Early this year, on a hot summers day Kate, (Miss 16)  finally agreed to help take down the Christmas lights which were hanging, shamefully, in the gum trees along the front of our property.

From last years experience I knew there were going to be spiders waiting to jump out at me and most likely a snake or fifty as well. I also had my suspicions a bunyip was probably hiding behind a tree and of course we had to be careful of the drop bears. God forbid one of those should land on us, we would be ripped to shreds.

Only weeks before Mrs Groovy had shocked the pants off me by presenting me with a bottle of holy water,  (she has so little faith in my survival out here). She made me promise to carry it on me at all times. Of course I forgot it existed it until Kate assured me that there was no way we were we leaving the house without it.

So with the holy water tucked safely into my back pocket and Kate trudging and grumbling behind me, we finally arrived at the boundary fence, (the one which keeps all the wildlife in, go figure).

I very politely held down the fence wire, with both hands, for Kate to climb over. But when her rubber boot, (note the rubber)  touched the wire she hissed and screamed  that the fence was electric.  She actually accused me of trying to kill her. Right! As if I would try and kill her in broad daylight? Next to the road? With the chance of a tractor driving past? I’m not clueless!

Determined not to be “those people” who leave their Christmas lights up all year round I wheedled Smarts into helping me. But when he attempted to follow me over the fence, that same fence that Kate had accused me of electrocuting her with, that same fence I had held down both times with both hands, he was thrown to the ground with his eyes rolling back into his head.

I did contemplate phoning for an ambulance but a liberal sprinkling of Mrs Groovy’s holy water seemed to do the trick.

Turns out it was only vodka after all.  What a surprise!

THE REPERCUSSIONS OF MRS GROOVY’S BLESSED HOLY WATER 

As I emptied the last few drops of the vodka holy water into my mouth,   (don’t judge, it was a hot day) a deafening roar rumbled across the land. The ground shook and the trees swayed dangerously in the wind.

A mob of kangaroos burst from the bush and raced across the paddock. Birds squawked as they flew across the sky and a fat echidna wobbled past looking for a hiding spot.

What was happening?  Was it armageddon? Was the world coming to an end because of Mrs Groovy’s vodka holy water? Bloody Mrs Groovy!

My life flashed before my eyes, (obviously I need to get out more, it was over in seconds and hardly something I could call riveting). Fear grabbed hold of me so tightly I could barely breathe.  I lay down next to Smarts who was still a bit dazed and disoriented and held his hand tightly in mine.

The sun disappeared.

The end was nigh.

We were going to die!

“Oh I forgot to tell you Kooks,” Smarts said wearily.  “Jo from down the road is flying around and checking everyones power lines, (not ours obviously).  That’s him now.”

So we didn’t die but poor Jo was mortified when he saw us lying on the ground.  He thought we were doing the wild thing. In broad daylight? Next to the road? With the chance of a tractor driving past and now a random helicopter?  Who exactly do these people think I am?

As for the Christmas lights?  They’re staying right where there are.

And the weird electrical current not running through my body? Who knows. Perhaps I should join a circus after all? What do you think?